Its currently 02.07am, god knows what time it will be when i finish writing this post, its officialy the 1st of february now..
One month to the date since i gave birth to my little Harry, well it will be come 12.55 dinner time, something keeps telling me i'm never going to be happy again, i repeat myself alot i know, as each day passes i begin to feel weaker not 'stronger' to be totally honest i dont even want to feel strong, whats the point? Ive started to feel like im slowly hittin rock bottom by this i mean where i'm beginning to have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, i dont even sleep well i just dont see any point to getting up? Its just the same 'shit' different day, each day i have to relive new years day (the day i gave birth to my sleeping little boy) Oh, this is just cruel.
So yeah one month to the date today, i went to pick his ashes up yesterday 31/01/11.. i couldnt/cant beleave he's in such a tiny box my little boy is ashes those two words shouldnt even be in the same sentence, i never thought i would be saying those two words together anyway, Im just missing him so much all i want to do is just hold him in my arms, not see a little box with a teddy on, The funeral director Dorris is so lovely shes done everything perfect well as perfect as it could possibly be, she refused to let me pay for anything bless her! I was looking at some rememberance candles today and i asked her if could order some and she was so lovely about it, she knows every little keep sake matters to me, she even let me have the little card that was on the door when we went to see Harry at the funeral home, and not only that but shes made me a little Plaque with his full name on and 'born sleeping 1st january' she really is a little sweetie, shes a elderly ladie, sounds daft but shes been great support and i owe her so much, i bought her some choclates but it doesnt seem enough for how well shes treated me, she told me and my partner we make lovely parents and we will again some day, in which ive been thinking about alot lately i probably shouldnt as its only been 4weeks but i cant control how i feel, i had a bad day yesterday i was crying most of the day and found myself snapping again, i cant see myself ever being the 'Hannah' everybody else knew me as, ive been thinking about my mother constantly lately too, just wanting to dial her number and speak to her, i cant do that anymore, if only we could ring up to heaven.. if you can see this mum i just want to say 'i love you so much and i miss you dearly, i never relised what an insperational woman you were untill now, i always knew you were caring and well thought of but since youve been gone ive relised how lucky i was to have you in my life, me and lou are distraught without you, neither of us want to wake up anymore, we are only 18 and 19 mum we still need you, i hope your looking after my little boy up there, giving him all the cuddles possible and telling him how much we love him, sleep tight now mum i love you always.' Thats not even half of what i want to say to her, im sat up in bed at this current moment, just spilling all my emotions out on here while my partner sleeps, he still isnt talking much, i guess thats men for you, but thats why i need my mum because she would talk, everybodys around me and keeps saying there always there if i want to talk, but half of them just say it out of respect, and to be polite, most of the time i get a reply saying 'oh Hannah i just dont know what to say' that isnt the reply i wanted, i guess i cant make people understand, i just want the world to stop and just freeze so i can just for a moment think about my feelings properly everybody around me is carrying on normal and i dont like it, i dont know why because i cant expect anybody to stop just for me, this hurts thought like liturally hurts i feel like my arms are aching just to hold him, i want to be his mummy in the ways everybody else is to there children, lots of people are pregnant around me or just giving birth to there little beautys, but im jelous i wont and havent wrote 'congratulations' to any of the new mummys as i feel angry, when there uploading pictures of there healthy babys my eyes fill up and my face just gets a tad warm with anger/jelousy, again so many questions with no answers.. my babys due date on friday i really dont want it to come, but ive arranged but my partners brothers to come with there girlfriends so we are not alone.. i dont want to be or feel alone i hate it when im left with just my thoughts.
This post is finish at 02.28am