I took the courage today to go into my work, i work in a care home which has two floors, my nan is on the top floor so i went to see her and explain why i hadnt been in just under three weeks, she didnt understand atall infact shes deteriated, she didnt look like my nan atall, but as i was telling her i just broke down just saying 'nan, ive got something to tell you Harry passed away inside me, and i had to give birth to me he was beautiful' those were my exact words i just couldnt stop crying, i kept telling myself on the way up to her that i wouldnt cry, but it just came out like no tomorrow, everyday i thought i was getting stronger but in reality its not im getting stronger its that my head and heart is beginning to accept Harrys gone, oh how i hate saying that, he shouldnt be gone!!!
I can tell you this though i may be empty armed without a baby, but i still went through the same labour as people who have a healthy little one, and boy did it sink intoday, half hour walk it is to my work from my house, i didnt relise how sore i was and how much my body ached from the labour untill today that walk didnt do me good atall, the only thing i feel proud of from today is actually plucking the courage up to get out of my house, i saw all my work friends too (obviously) they were so lovely and ever so supportive, two member of staff broke down in tears as soon as they saw me (bless them) i didnt relise how much it had also effected them too!
I love my work friends they are all great !!
My poor nan though, shes seriously missing my mother, my mum was 1 of 4 of my nans children and she was the youngest, which is even harder to accept why she has gone :(, i really hope the next time i see my nan that she is much more herself because i didnt get much out of her today :(