One Month on..

Its currently 02.07am, god knows what time it will be when i finish writing this post, its officialy the 1st of february now.. 
One month to the date since i gave birth to my little Harry, well it will be come 12.55 dinner time, something keeps telling me i'm never going to be happy again, i repeat myself alot i know, as each day passes i begin to feel weaker not 'stronger' to be totally honest i dont even want to feel strong, whats the point? Ive started to feel like im slowly hittin rock bottom by this i mean where i'm beginning to have to drag myself out of bed in the morning, i dont even sleep well i just dont see any point to getting up? Its just the same 'shit' different day, each day i have to relive new years day (the day i gave birth to my sleeping little boy) Oh, this is just cruel.
So yeah one month to the date today, i went to pick his ashes up yesterday 31/01/11.. i couldnt/cant beleave he's in such a tiny box my little boy is ashes those two words shouldnt even be in the same sentence, i never thought i would be saying those two words together anyway, Im just missing him so much all i want to do is just hold him in my arms, not see a little box with a teddy on, The funeral director Dorris is so lovely shes done everything perfect well as perfect as it could possibly be, she refused to let me pay for anything bless her! I was looking at some rememberance candles today and i asked her if could order some and she was so lovely about it, she knows every little keep sake matters to me, she even let me have the little card that was on the door when we went to see Harry at the funeral home, and not only that but shes made me a little Plaque with his full name on and 'born sleeping 1st january' she really is a little sweetie, shes a elderly ladie, sounds daft but shes been great support and i owe her so much, i bought her some choclates but it doesnt seem enough for how well shes treated me, she told me and my partner we make lovely parents and we will again some day, in which ive been thinking about alot lately i probably shouldnt as its only been 4weeks but i cant control how i feel, i had a bad day yesterday i was crying most of the day and found myself snapping again, i cant see myself ever being the 'Hannah' everybody else knew me as, ive been thinking about my mother constantly lately too, just wanting to dial her number and speak to her, i cant do that anymore, if only we could ring up to heaven.. if you can see this mum i just want to say 'i love you so much and i miss you dearly, i never relised what an insperational woman you were untill now, i always knew you were caring and well thought of but since youve been gone ive relised how lucky i was to have you in my life, me and lou are distraught without you, neither of us want to wake up anymore, we are only 18 and 19 mum we still need you, i hope your looking after my little boy up there, giving him all the cuddles possible and telling him how much we love him, sleep tight now mum i love you always.' Thats not even half of what i want to say to her, im sat up in bed at this current moment, just spilling all my emotions out on here while my partner sleeps, he still isnt talking much, i guess thats men for you, but thats why i need my mum because she would talk, everybodys around me and keeps saying there always there if i want to talk, but half of them just say it out of respect, and to be polite, most of the time i get a reply saying 'oh Hannah i just dont know what to say' that isnt the reply i wanted, i guess i cant make people understand, i just want the world to stop and just freeze so i can just for a moment think about my feelings properly everybody around me is carrying on normal and i dont like it, i dont know why because i cant expect anybody to stop just for me, this hurts thought like liturally hurts i feel like my arms are aching just to hold him, i want to be his mummy in the ways everybody else is to there children, lots of people are pregnant around me or just giving birth to there little beautys, but im jelous i wont and havent wrote 'congratulations' to any of the new mummys as i feel angry, when there uploading pictures of there healthy babys my eyes fill up and my face just gets a tad warm with anger/jelousy, again so many questions with no answers.. my babys due date on friday i really dont want it to come, but ive arranged but my partners brothers to come with there girlfriends so we are not alone.. i dont want to be or feel alone i hate it when im left with just my thoughts.
This post is finish at 02.28am

Feelings

Im typing this crying my heart out, i thought i was 'ok' im not i am the total oppisite, i just dont know what to do, i want you here with me. I cant do this anymore i cant pretend i'm okay i'm not i'm really not, everybody saying 'your so strong i wouldnt be able to cope if i was in your shoes' well there not in my shoes and can they see behind a computor screen and behind a fake smile, they should actually count there lucky stars they are not in our shoes, i wish i wasnt in these 'shoes' hmm.. this is hurting like liturally hurting, infact its killing me, i've had so many bad thoughts in my head, and i shouldnt be thinking like that but i'm at the lowest ive ever been and all i want to do is go sleep and actually not wake up, will i be with my little boy then? i want to be with him, i know i know people think im talking silly, but its whats in my head and this is my blog so im writing my feelings down, i just want my little boy safely in my arms, i'd do anything to have him here i honestly would, its sickening to think a babys heart can just stop so quickly and theres nothing we can do to make there tiny hearts beat again :( i'm dreading ever being happy again because if im honest i dont think il ever be truly happy again... whats the point? whenever ive been happy its quickly snatched away from me right?, i cant be arsed anymore with anything, i just dont want to do anything i want to sit there and just cry my heart out because my babys never coming back and everybody expects me to just accept that hes gone, but how do i doit? because i'd like to know, i cant just tell my head to stop these feelings! I hate how i feel and i cant imagine anybody ever liking these feelings, but i dont deserve this nobody does! I did everything right in my pregnancy, i did my best i was trying to be a good mummy, i obviously wasnt a good mummy other wise my baby would be okay, i need him to know im sorry and i dont know what else i could of done through my pregnancy to keep him safe, im so sorry i failed you Harry i hope one day i learn to forgive myself but truth be known i know i wont, il always feel like this, i try and talk to you Harry can you hear me baby? i hope so because i need you to hear what i say Angel, i just want you to know i love you so much.

Harrys Funeral..

Well where do i start?, i remember waking up and just knowing what i had to face that day, my final farewell to my precious little man.. :(
As i was getting dressed all i could think was only 8weeks ago i wore this all black again for my mothers funeral, time quickly passed and the 'limo' pulled up, we walked outside i could see my little Harrys coffin in the back this was all hitting me to quick, i thought i was ready i wasnt..
Driving up towards the crem, i was looking at all the beautiful scenery, but all i could think of is my Harry will never get to see this, Rob was sat next to me with Harrys coffin on his knee, tears quickly started flowing down my face i thought i was honestly cried out, we were arriving in the crematorium we were driving in so slow, i could read all the headstones.. all i kept seeing was 'aged 81' 'aged 90' but those people had a life, i didnt see one headstone aged 0, because that was Harrys age wasnt it? this is so wrong my poor baby in this coffin when he should be in my arms, we arrived at the service, the 'limo' driver opened my door for me i didnt look around i just wanted to get inide i didnt want to see anybody, we walked in to the church with 'stay - by shakespears sister' such a beautiful song just like Harry. The vicar began the service and Rob placed harrys coffin at the front, right in my view.. our view.
The first hymm was morning has broken, the second him was the lord is my shephard, i had browsed the internet for days to find two poems that best fit my feelings i say my i mean ours, my partner chose this one..

Don't let them say, I wasn't born
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave
I've loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone.
This world was worthy, not, of me
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be,
God doesn't make mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow..
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
another child you'll bear.
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips
And then you'll understand.

Although, I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes..
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An Angel Never Dies........

I personaly think that poem is perfect.. The second poem i chose..

Time has taken me from you,
Although not very far.
I'll be watching through the sunshine
And through the brightest star.

I'll be watching all of you,
From the heavens up above.
So take good care of each other
And carry all my love.

If you're ever wondering
If I'm there, here's where you can start.
Take a look inside yourself
Deep within your heart.

I'll always be your baby,
Your child. Your first born.
So anytime you need me,
Close your eyes I'm back again.

 

At the end of the service the curtains began to close, that was it i couldnt keep my tears in any longer, as we were walking out of the church somebody gave me a hug, all i can remember is my screams, i just couldnt stop crying, all of a sudden it had hit me, my baby the baby i had longed for, had hopes for and just genuinly loved so dearly had just been taken from me, it was final now, i had to accept it. I wasnt ready atall, i still think in my head, its going to me hit me ever harder when my partner begins to accept Harrys gone because he hasnt yet, so i feel like im grieving alone.

Sleep tight Angel.

Harry Thomas Jospeh White

Born Sleeping

01/01/2011

Layed to rest

24/01/2011

 ♥

Thinking about my beautiful mother and my gorgeous little boy..

- In Loving Memory
Harry Thomas Joseph White
Born Peacefully Sleeping 01.01.2011
Always Thinking Of You Angel ♥

- In Loving Memory Of My Beautiful Mother

Jo-Anne White Taken Suddenly On 18/11/10

Aged 41Years

Always In My Heart Mum i Love You ♥

Seeing Harry forn the last time :(

Well today i went to see my little man for the final time, i will never see his sweet litle face again after today, but his funeral is monday and thats when we say our final goodbye, if im honest i wasnt prepared for how much he had changed, but i knew he was still my beautiful little boy! i wont remember him the way i saw him today, il remember the images of when i first held him and how lovely he was, i cant tell you how much love i felt for him as soon as i held him and i still feel the love for him now, but... TODAY was so hard, my heart just felt like it was breaking into little peices, my whole body felt like it was aching all of a sudden, i hate whats happend, i cant believe my little boy is sleeping forever, why arnt you here with mummy? Id give anything just to hear your cry, your laugh, & your first words..
Il never be able to hear any of them, id liturally do/give anything to hear them honestly i would.
Had abit of bad news today about a work colegue, she was 11weeks pregnant and shes had a miscariage, how can this world be so cruel? why let us get excited and plan our futures with our little ones just to take it all away from us and the babys? Whats the point in that & wheres the justice !!!!!

Telling My Nan About Harry..

I took the courage today to go into my work, i work in a care home which has two floors, my nan is on the top floor so i went to see her and explain why i hadnt been in just under three weeks, she didnt understand atall infact shes deteriated, she didnt look like my nan atall, but as i was telling her i just broke down just saying 'nan, ive got something to tell you Harry passed away inside me, and i had to give birth to me he was beautiful' those were my exact words i just couldnt stop crying, i kept telling myself on the way up to her that i wouldnt cry, but it just came out like no tomorrow, everyday i thought i was getting stronger but in reality its not im getting stronger its that my head and heart is beginning to accept Harrys gone, oh how i hate saying that, he shouldnt be gone!!!
I can tell you this though i may be empty armed without a baby, but i still went through the same labour as people who have a healthy little one, and boy did it sink intoday, half hour walk it is to my work from my house, i didnt relise how sore i was and how much my body ached from the labour untill today that walk didnt do me good atall, the only thing i feel proud of from today is actually plucking the courage up to get out of my house, i saw all my work friends too (obviously) they were so lovely and ever so supportive, two member of staff broke down in tears as soon as they saw me (bless them) i didnt relise how much it had also effected them too!
I love my work friends they are all great !!
My poor nan though, shes seriously missing my mother, my mum was 1 of 4 of my nans children and she was the youngest, which is even harder to accept why she has gone :(, i really hope the next time i see my nan that she is much more herself because i didnt get much out of her today :(

This is killing me..

This is killing me slowly, i just want to give up.
My arms are empty, why? i want my little boy in my arms, i cant pretend im ok anymore because im not. So many thoughts in my head and none of them are good, my little boy is without a mummy and daddy up in heaven, he shouldnt be alone i want him here with me.. i NEED him here with me, why do i deserve to be so unhappy, im crying as i write this not just for Harry but for my mother too, i was so close to her, she would know what to say to make things that 'tiny' bit better, im missing her so much and i just feel so alone, she was 41. Im 19 and my sisters 18 we still need her, who do we turn too now over the pettyist of things like our partners? what clothes to buy? all them little things i miss more than ever, and now ive lost my little boy i need them i really do. I cant even explain how much this is hurting i just feel like its killing me, all i ever wanted was a family with my partner and my baby to have a nanna, my mum was excited for Harry, when i told her i was expecting a little boy she text me about 30 different names but she kept sending 'Harry', i loved the name as soon as she suggested it and it meant so much more because she chose his name, she even bought him some little things, oh how i miss you mum, ive kept all the little things she bought him in his keepsake box ive made.
This is all to much for me, i have to remind myself im a mummy because without my baby in my arms i dont feel like one, i keep going over the day i was told Harry no longer had a heartbeat none of this makes sense, if theres nobody else to blame then surely it must be my fault? I really hope Harry knows i love him dearly and that il never truely let him go, i just want to be with him right now, i dont see any point in being here without him im longing to be with him but  i know my time will come and we will be reunited wont we? I hope there is somewhere we go when we pass i just want to see my baby again, His funeral seems to be fast approaching (monday), but im going to see Harry this friday at his funeral home, im so scared yet i just want to give him his final kiss and tell him how much i love him, because i love him unconditionaly.

Beautiful Words

Such Beautiful Words :(

Future?

Last night i had a very long conversation with a work friend, she was ever so supportive and gave me so much advise, i was crying as i was typing away to her via facebook, but she knew exactly how i was feeling and knew what to say, her daughter in law had been through the exact same thing and she now has the family she desired but she hasnt forgot about her little girl that was born sleeping, she just saw that there was nothing she could do change what had happend and that the only way forward was to set herself a future? My work friend told me nobody would judge me if i ever had another baby, but im scared people would think im replacing my little man when i would never ever do that! He will always be my first born and i will never ever let anybody replace him how could they, he was a part of my life inside me for 8months and he will always be in my heart, but maybe thinking about future pregnancies is a good thing? oh i feel so wrong even writing this or even discussing it, but im heartbroken and my arms are empty? i have so much love to give, i long to be a mother in the way everybody else is, i cant help but feel guilty, am i a bad person for wanting something good to happen? Everytime i have been happy lately everything has gone wrong not long after. Hmmm so much to think about, but my partner talks openly about wanting us to try again, but why is there so much guilt when ever i think about having another baby? what if my body fails another child i couldnt bare to go through all this again, my heart aches for my little boy i feel so sorry for him! I just hope in the hour between hearing his heartbeat then it suddenly stopping that he was in no pain, because nobody can truly know!
Ive been thinking alot about my work, i love where i work the staff are amazing and so nice, very supportive but do i need a change in career? For now i will leave my future open, i need to stop worrying and stop trying to change things.

Lonely

Ive already wrote a post today but sod it.
I feel so lonely right now and ever so hurt, i just want to be with my mum and baby, my whole body just wants to give up. Why do i deserve this? what have i done so wrong :(
Im hurting so much and i dont have a clue how to cope with it or even block these awful thoughts out of my head, my poor baby has gone and theres nothing i can do, my lovely mother also gone! Im 19years old i still need her more than anything and people say your being so strong but how do they know? can they not see half of this is a act, i just want to scream and be locked in a room so i can shout all my anger out, because this is what it all boils down to pure and simple anger! Ive had my life changed forever and for what reason? Ive never hurt anybody, and neither would i, i deserve to be happy dont i? no of course not because im me and its clear i dont.
If i could just have ten minutes with my mum just for a explanation on why she had to leave this earth? Theres no answer to that though is there? everybodys reply including mine is life is just cruel but why should i accept that? surely there must be a reason for taking my mothers life 8weeks ago and taking my beautiful Harry just 2weeks ago yesterday? well i want a fucking reason, i shouldnt swear i know i shouldnt but i cant control how i feel right now i honestly feel so much hatred and anger & i cant stop it!
Im missing out on so much, i want to be having cuddles with my little boy and hearing him cry for me or a feed. I want all those things you hear 'tired' mums moan about because trust me id never moan about those things id just be happy my baby is happy and well with his mummy and daddy, i keep seeing his little face in my head.. blimey he was gorgeous! I miss him so much i miss him kicking me i miss him sending my tummy into funny shapes, i hated the day i left him at hospital because i just wanted to turn back round and go back in and cradle him, do i really deserve this? does anybody for that matter?
how can stillbirth not be classed as common? because its not a 100 babies dieing each day from stillbirth its not common? that common enough for me! what has this world come to these days when there isnt enough awareness? im so angry at everything what hurts more than anything that i have no one to blame, so i know thats why i try and blame my self.
Im so sorry i let you down Harry that my body and i couldnt protect you i hope one day you forgive me and we meet again for much happier times. I Love You.

Why?

Today i have woken up in a cant be arsed mood, i just want to sit all day in my pjs, ive been over and over in my head the past few weeks, and even though people say there was nothing i could have done, or even changed through my pregnancy i still keep going back to why? why us? why me?
nobody can answer any of the questions i really want to know, why take a beautiful little boy away from a loving family who were devoted to him, from the moment i found out i was pregnant, i cant even describe how happy i was it was such a amazing feeling i was going to be a mummy my partner and i finaly a family! eeek. Them boom gone, my future gone! Id planned so much in my head that i wanted myself, my partner and my adoreable little boy to do, christmas 2010 was shit! Id just lost my mother to sudden death in november and now had to face the first christmas without her, i remember just this christmas to get through next year will be the best Il have a ten month old little boy to buy for and make christmas worth while next year! why take my hopes and dreams away from me? not just me my partner aswell?
I cant make sense of any of this my heads battered and i feel so angry today, i feel angry that 'god' could be so cruel..
I truly dont believe there is a 'god' anymore surely even he cant be this fucking cruel?.. Theres people out there i could scream at everyday of the week jeremy kyle is on tv with a bunch of tramps who dont even deserve to call themselfs mothers and fathers! i hate life right now.. i cant even see myself ever feeling happy again, i know its still early days but how can anybody truly be happy after having there future taken from them :( my bodys is aching for Harry right now my arms are empty..

Harrys Storey..

Ive done another post but i guess im best starting from the beginning..

Wednesday 29th December 2010.

2pm - Waiting at the doctors excited knowing i was going to hear Harrys heartbeat again, i always looked forward to hearing his heartbeat as it made me smile and he would always kick the monitor !
Bp was taken it was rather high so before she put me on the heart monitor she rang through to the hospital to tell them she was referring me as i had more signs of preclamsyia (i had been diagnosed with preclamsyia afew weeks before), she then put the heart monitor on, there it was his little heart racing away.
3pm - I arrived at the hospital and within ten minutes the midwife came to get me she took my bloods and bp and still it was rather high, she then asked me to lie back so she could listen to Harrys heart, there was nothing...
She called in a doctor to see if she could listen in via the drum, still nothing...
at this point i was in floods of tears, as i write this now my whole body is in shivers just thinking about that day.
She told me to keep positive as sometimes the babys like to hide, so she rang through to antenatal and told them i needed a scan asap, i was sent strate through but the midwife wouldnt leave my side she took my hand and we went into the scanning room, for some reason she wouldnt put the screen on' on the wall, i knew then something definatly was wrong, my partner came and took my hand he put his head down and theres where i heard those words i or no mother wanted to hear 'im so sorry hannah your baby has no heartbeat' i couldnt get up i just burst back into tears i couldnt believe it, i still cant.
I was sent into the labour ward where i was greeted by some more midwifes, they couldnt stop apoligising, i just felt numb asif it was a dream, surely they had got it wrong, Harry had a heartbeat at 2pm how can it stop within a hour? so many questions that will never be answered :(
My poor baby.
That Night - i was given a tablet to start off the induction process but was told i would have to stay in as i too was at risk as my bp was still to high!
I remember just holding my tummy and saying to Harry im so sorry, i still say sorry to him now i still feel i failed my baby i couldnt keep him safe.
Nothing happend that night just little niggles in the tummy no contractions nothing..
The next night i remember getting much worse cramps, but still no signs of Harry, so many thoughts in my head at this point but i knew nothing was going to bring him back to life and he would be coming out via natural delivery, i just wanted to see him now, i was fed up of having little contractions i wanted to see my baby and tell him how sorry i was..
New Years Eve
This is where the major contractions started i was in so much pain i asked my partner to leave and go and get some sleep in the 'special' room they put people in who had been through what we have it was like a mini apartment lovely little room, but i never want to be back there..
I started being sick so i rang the bell and a midwife came strate to me, i had never felt pain like it, i thought i was going to faint, she put me back on the bed and put me on gas and air, i couldnt sleep that night and the gas and air was okay for a while but the pain was getting worse, the midiwfe gave me a injection in the leg of diamorphene to see if that helped, it did.
But i had to have four more (they thought i would have been knocked out by the last one), i went into the new year knowing i was going to give birth to my sleeping baby, my heart is/was broken, new years day arrived and the contractions were getting worse, finaly at 12.55 Harry Thomas Jospeh White was born peacefully sleeping weighing just 3lb 13oz, he was perfect, i couldnt believe how beautiful he was, he had everything finger toes i was amazed by his beauty! At the same time i was devastated he wasnt crying like all the other new borns i had heard crying that day :(

I spent six whole nights with my little boy in hospital, we created our memories with him within them 6nights, we got hand and foot prints from him, we got to dress him, got a lock of his hair!, and we had him blessed.

Il never forget the precious days and nights we had with him, he may not have a heartbeat but he was still my baby and i needed that time with him.

My Beautiful Harry ♥

15/01/2011

Today is two weeks since i gave birth to my sleeping Angel, i dont even know how to put into words how i feel, i have so much running through my head.
All i can say is i never thought this would happen to me, my heart feels like its aching constantly, i had the vicar around today to arrange my little boys funeral, i never thought this day would come, i never thought id lose my little boy never!
I keep thinking about my first scan, i didnt know how far gone i was as when we were having the scan a 'huge' baby came up on screen i was 16weeks & five days, how could i have not known? I was so overwhelmed that tears roled down my face, my mum was there she too was crying my partner just smiled and couldnt stop smiling from then till we got home, i was so happy and excitement started to take over i could finaly tell people i was pregnant!!

My mother recently passed away in november 2010 to sudden death syndrome (which is sudden death in adults) ive lost my best friend, and the only person i told everything too, i feel so lonely yet i have so many people around me? I still cant believe i have no mum, the only thing getting me through losing my mum was knowing i was going to be a mummy myself, she chose Harrys name she knew he was a boy from my 20week scan she too was so excited for me, im really hurting right now i just dont know how to cope anymore i dont know how ive got to today? I never thought id feel this unhappy 8weeks ago i had a mum and baby on the way now i have none?
I must not deserve to be happy.




My first scan 16weeks +5

My Beautiful Harry ♥