Last night i had a very long conversation with a work friend, she was ever so supportive and gave me so much advise, i was crying as i was typing away to her via facebook, but she knew exactly how i was feeling and knew what to say, her daughter in law had been through the exact same thing and she now has the family she desired but she hasnt forgot about her little girl that was born sleeping, she just saw that there was nothing she could do change what had happend and that the only way forward was to set herself a future? My work friend told me nobody would judge me if i ever had another baby, but im scared people would think im replacing my little man when i would never ever do that! He will always be my first born and i will never ever let anybody replace him how could they, he was a part of my life inside me for 8months and he will always be in my heart, but maybe thinking about future pregnancies is a good thing? oh i feel so wrong even writing this or even discussing it, but im heartbroken and my arms are empty? i have so much love to give, i long to be a mother in the way everybody else is, i cant help but feel guilty, am i a bad person for wanting something good to happen? Everytime i have been happy lately everything has gone wrong not long after. Hmmm so much to think about, but my partner talks openly about wanting us to try again, but why is there so much guilt when ever i think about having another baby? what if my body fails another child i couldnt bare to go through all this again, my heart aches for my little boy i feel so sorry for him! I just hope in the hour between hearing his heartbeat then it suddenly stopping that he was in no pain, because nobody can truly know!
Ive been thinking alot about my work, i love where i work the staff are amazing and so nice, very supportive but do i need a change in career? For now i will leave my future open, i need to stop worrying and stop trying to change things.