Feelings

Im typing this crying my heart out, i thought i was 'ok' im not i am the total oppisite, i just dont know what to do, i want you here with me. I cant do this anymore i cant pretend i'm okay i'm not i'm really not, everybody saying 'your so strong i wouldnt be able to cope if i was in your shoes' well there not in my shoes and can they see behind a computor screen and behind a fake smile, they should actually count there lucky stars they are not in our shoes, i wish i wasnt in these 'shoes' hmm.. this is hurting like liturally hurting, infact its killing me, i've had so many bad thoughts in my head, and i shouldnt be thinking like that but i'm at the lowest ive ever been and all i want to do is go sleep and actually not wake up, will i be with my little boy then? i want to be with him, i know i know people think im talking silly, but its whats in my head and this is my blog so im writing my feelings down, i just want my little boy safely in my arms, i'd do anything to have him here i honestly would, its sickening to think a babys heart can just stop so quickly and theres nothing we can do to make there tiny hearts beat again :( i'm dreading ever being happy again because if im honest i dont think il ever be truly happy again... whats the point? whenever ive been happy its quickly snatched away from me right?, i cant be arsed anymore with anything, i just dont want to do anything i want to sit there and just cry my heart out because my babys never coming back and everybody expects me to just accept that hes gone, but how do i doit? because i'd like to know, i cant just tell my head to stop these feelings! I hate how i feel and i cant imagine anybody ever liking these feelings, but i dont deserve this nobody does! I did everything right in my pregnancy, i did my best i was trying to be a good mummy, i obviously wasnt a good mummy other wise my baby would be okay, i need him to know im sorry and i dont know what else i could of done through my pregnancy to keep him safe, im so sorry i failed you Harry i hope one day i learn to forgive myself but truth be known i know i wont, il always feel like this, i try and talk to you Harry can you hear me baby? i hope so because i need you to hear what i say Angel, i just want you to know i love you so much.