Tuesday, 25 January 2011


Im typing this crying my heart out, i thought i was 'ok' im not i am the total oppisite, i just dont know what to do, i want you here with me. I cant do this anymore i cant pretend i'm okay i'm not i'm really not, everybody saying 'your so strong i wouldnt be able to cope if i was in your shoes' well there not in my shoes and can they see behind a computor screen and behind a fake smile, they should actually count there lucky stars they are not in our shoes, i wish i wasnt in these 'shoes' hmm.. this is hurting like liturally hurting, infact its killing me, i've had so many bad thoughts in my head, and i shouldnt be thinking like that but i'm at the lowest ive ever been and all i want to do is go sleep and actually not wake up, will i be with my little boy then? i want to be with him, i know i know people think im talking silly, but its whats in my head and this is my blog so im writing my feelings down, i just want my little boy safely in my arms, i'd do anything to have him here i honestly would, its sickening to think a babys heart can just stop so quickly and theres nothing we can do to make there tiny hearts beat again :( i'm dreading ever being happy again because if im honest i dont think il ever be truly happy again... whats the point? whenever ive been happy its quickly snatched away from me right?, i cant be arsed anymore with anything, i just dont want to do anything i want to sit there and just cry my heart out because my babys never coming back and everybody expects me to just accept that hes gone, but how do i doit? because i'd like to know, i cant just tell my head to stop these feelings! I hate how i feel and i cant imagine anybody ever liking these feelings, but i dont deserve this nobody does! I did everything right in my pregnancy, i did my best i was trying to be a good mummy, i obviously wasnt a good mummy other wise my baby would be okay, i need him to know im sorry and i dont know what else i could of done through my pregnancy to keep him safe, im so sorry i failed you Harry i hope one day i learn to forgive myself but truth be known i know i wont, il always feel like this, i try and talk to you Harry can you hear me baby? i hope so because i need you to hear what i say Angel, i just want you to know i love you so much.


  1. I always hated when people said "I couldnt do it" or "you are so strong; I'd never be able to ..." Yes you would. You dont want to, but you find the strength to breathe. Even when you dont want to. I always hated hearing people try to tell me how strong I was. I didnt want strength; I wanted my babies.

    Thinking of you tonight and sending loving thoughts...

  2. Hannah,
    My heart aches for you! I've had the same thoughts you have, but you need to know it's not you! You would have done anything possible to help your son, anything! I still hate when people say hoses things to me and here I am nearly 7 months after loosing my baby girl! If people only knew!!!
    I've added your blog to my follow list. I'll be here!