Tuesday, 18 January 2011

This is killing me..

This is killing me slowly, i just want to give up.
My arms are empty, why? i want my little boy in my arms, i cant pretend im ok anymore because im not. So many thoughts in my head and none of them are good, my little boy is without a mummy and daddy up in heaven, he shouldnt be alone i want him here with me.. i NEED him here with me, why do i deserve to be so unhappy, im crying as i write this not just for Harry but for my mother too, i was so close to her, she would know what to say to make things that 'tiny' bit better, im missing her so much and i just feel so alone, she was 41. Im 19 and my sisters 18 we still need her, who do we turn too now over the pettyist of things like our partners? what clothes to buy? all them little things i miss more than ever, and now ive lost my little boy i need them i really do. I cant even explain how much this is hurting i just feel like its killing me, all i ever wanted was a family with my partner and my baby to have a nanna, my mum was excited for Harry, when i told her i was expecting a little boy she text me about 30 different names but she kept sending 'Harry', i loved the name as soon as she suggested it and it meant so much more because she chose his name, she even bought him some little things, oh how i miss you mum, ive kept all the little things she bought him in his keepsake box ive made.
This is all to much for me, i have to remind myself im a mummy because without my baby in my arms i dont feel like one, i keep going over the day i was told Harry no longer had a heartbeat none of this makes sense, if theres nobody else to blame then surely it must be my fault? I really hope Harry knows i love him dearly and that il never truely let him go, i just want to be with him right now, i dont see any point in being here without him im longing to be with him but  i know my time will come and we will be reunited wont we? I hope there is somewhere we go when we pass i just want to see my baby again, His funeral seems to be fast approaching (monday), but im going to see Harry this friday at his funeral home, im so scared yet i just want to give him his final kiss and tell him how much i love him, because i love him unconditionaly.


  1. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son, Aidan Christopher, almost a year ago. It gets easier, but it's still hard.

  2. I just want to wrap my arms around you, I'm the same age as your Mum, and I lost my daughter almost 18 months ago. I understand the pain, I truly do.
    All you can do right now is be in the moment, and keep on keeping on. I know that sounds too hard right now,I know.
    This is all too horribly unfair. x

  3. Honey, it's NOT your fault. You didnt do anything to cause this... It's not because you are a bad person or did something and are being punished. Sometimes, there are just no good answers... no good reasons. As Maggie said, it gets easier but it is always hard. Nicholas's would-be 3rd birthday is is 2 weeks, with his twin sister's two weeks later. I cant believe they would be three... That my son, Alexander, would be two... It hurts thinking about it.

    Grieve as you need to. Let the feelings come. Sometimes that is all we can do.

    Big hugs...

  4. You are not alone. . . there are so many of us who are walking this terrible path and feel alone. Keep writing if it helps and reach out to the baby loss community. "WE GET IT!"

  5. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this pain, and at such a young age :( I believe that Harry is with your mom, so neither of them are alone. I am so sorry that you feel so lonely and I understand. You and your partner have each other to cling to for now and I believe we will all be reunited with our loved ones one day <3

  6. I also think he is with my mother, tbh its the only thing i get from all of this, its comfort to me which is weird i know, i see my little man for the final time tomorrow, before the final goodbye at his funeral on monday, im scared and i know i shouldnt be but i cant help the way i feel x