Ive done another post but i guess im best starting from the beginning..
Wednesday 29th December 2010.
2pm - Waiting at the doctors excited knowing i was going to hear Harrys heartbeat again, i always looked forward to hearing his heartbeat as it made me smile and he would always kick the monitor !
Bp was taken it was rather high so before she put me on the heart monitor she rang through to the hospital to tell them she was referring me as i had more signs of preclamsyia (i had been diagnosed with preclamsyia afew weeks before), she then put the heart monitor on, there it was his little heart racing away.
3pm - I arrived at the hospital and within ten minutes the midwife came to get me she took my bloods and bp and still it was rather high, she then asked me to lie back so she could listen to Harrys heart, there was nothing...
She called in a doctor to see if she could listen in via the drum, still nothing...
at this point i was in floods of tears, as i write this now my whole body is in shivers just thinking about that day.
She told me to keep positive as sometimes the babys like to hide, so she rang through to antenatal and told them i needed a scan asap, i was sent strate through but the midwife wouldnt leave my side she took my hand and we went into the scanning room, for some reason she wouldnt put the screen on' on the wall, i knew then something definatly was wrong, my partner came and took my hand he put his head down and theres where i heard those words i or no mother wanted to hear 'im so sorry hannah your baby has no heartbeat' i couldnt get up i just burst back into tears i couldnt believe it, i still cant.
I was sent into the labour ward where i was greeted by some more midwifes, they couldnt stop apoligising, i just felt numb asif it was a dream, surely they had got it wrong, Harry had a heartbeat at 2pm how can it stop within a hour? so many questions that will never be answered :(
My poor baby.
That Night - i was given a tablet to start off the induction process but was told i would have to stay in as i too was at risk as my bp was still to high!
I remember just holding my tummy and saying to Harry im so sorry, i still say sorry to him now i still feel i failed my baby i couldnt keep him safe.
Nothing happend that night just little niggles in the tummy no contractions nothing..
The next night i remember getting much worse cramps, but still no signs of Harry, so many thoughts in my head at this point but i knew nothing was going to bring him back to life and he would be coming out via natural delivery, i just wanted to see him now, i was fed up of having little contractions i wanted to see my baby and tell him how sorry i was..
New Years Eve
This is where the major contractions started i was in so much pain i asked my partner to leave and go and get some sleep in the 'special' room they put people in who had been through what we have it was like a mini apartment lovely little room, but i never want to be back there..
I started being sick so i rang the bell and a midwife came strate to me, i had never felt pain like it, i thought i was going to faint, she put me back on the bed and put me on gas and air, i couldnt sleep that night and the gas and air was okay for a while but the pain was getting worse, the midiwfe gave me a injection in the leg of diamorphene to see if that helped, it did.
But i had to have four more (they thought i would have been knocked out by the last one), i went into the new year knowing i was going to give birth to my sleeping baby, my heart is/was broken, new years day arrived and the contractions were getting worse, finaly at 12.55 Harry Thomas Jospeh White was born peacefully sleeping weighing just 3lb 13oz, he was perfect, i couldnt believe how beautiful he was, he had everything finger toes i was amazed by his beauty! At the same time i was devastated he wasnt crying like all the other new borns i had heard crying that day :(
I spent six whole nights with my little boy in hospital, we created our memories with him within them 6nights, we got hand and foot prints from him, we got to dress him, got a lock of his hair!, and we had him blessed.
Il never forget the precious days and nights we had with him, he may not have a heartbeat but he was still my baby and i needed that time with him.