Saturday, 19 February 2011

I will never be the person i was before..

I will never be the person i was before..
Why? Because the person i was before had a mother who would do anything for her even talk to her about things no teenager does talk to there mum about, and without my little boy in my life, my lifes just changed for the worst, Yesterday was the funeral of my mothers best friend ages 47.. Everybody around me just seems to be leaving so quickly :( Lifes supposed to get better surely?

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I can't do this..

I can't do this anymore, i just want my baby safely in my arms, where i can nurse him and give him plenty of cuddles, i don't want him with anybody else i just want him here with me, he's my baby! I completely and utterly give up i'm not okay and i shall not pretend i am, i'd give anything to have him here with me and doubt other mummys of angels would to..
Im missing my Harry and my mum so much, losing my mother was hard but losing my baby just two months after, does anybody really deserve this? How can there be a god? Arghh.. I want to scream and smash everything up in my house, as i type this i feel my body heating up with anger and tears just running down my face!!
Again more comments of people saying be strong, wtf? how can i? i gave birth to my beautiful baby who was sleeping just 6weeks ago and you want me to be strong? are you mental..
Im sick of faking a smile, i dont even want to smile i just want to lock myself in a room in the dark and never come out.. DO NOT TELL ME TO BE STRONG..
Can anybody seriously mean be strong when they say it? or do they just say it because its what you say? I know i will never say be strong to anybody when they have just give birth to a sleeping baby, because i wouldnt actually expect them to be strong.. Infact i would say dont be strong!

Mummy loves you Harry

Harry, i hope you know mummy loves you so much baby, i look at your photo everyday more than once, you are a little Angel now free from pain, but i'l never let you go baby nor will i ever forget you..

Sleep tight baby boy..


Monday, 14 February 2011

Family Photo's ♥

From the start..

Well i don't exactly know where to start i suppose from the beginning is better, aound july 2010 i discovered i was pregnant in my head i thought i was around 6weeks but in actual fact i was 16weeks+5, i went for my scan in august and there i saw my baby for the first time he looked huge on screen it suddenly felt real i was a mummy to be and my partner of five years was going to be a daddy we were finaly going to be a proper family in my head all i could think was 'wow' me? good things never come my way, i had so many emotions that day and so did my mother and partner who were in the room where i was having my scan, i still remember my mothers face more than anything she burst into tears with excitement, as soon as we went outside she picked up her phone and rang near enough everybody on her phone list to tell them she was going to be a nanna, bless her. I went into work and told them, all my work friends were shocked at how far gone i was without even knowing, i was still shocked myself so i could understand others, finaly my 20 week scan arrived and it was then i found out i was having a baby boy, i cant tell you how much excitement run through my mind that day, i rang my mother and told her she was jumping around with joy as she within ten minutes of hanging up she was texting me boy names, she kept on sending the same name repeatedly 'Harry, Harry Harry' i loved the name the second i read the text it was then we decided Harry was our babys name, i had regular checkups with my midwife, but she became rather worried at about 24weeks as i had protein in my water and constant cramps so she referred me to hospital, i was sent back home as the hospital didnt think it was bad enough to stay in, afew weeks later at 29weeks my mother came to appointment at the doctors to see the midwife where we had 'Harrys' heart monitored, she again was crying as it was the first time she had heard it, this was on 16th november 2010, she was so happy, on 18th november 2010 my mothers heart stopped beating the reason is unknown why.. I felt so low, how can i be a mother when my mother has gone? I cant do this i just can't, all the excitement of the future was taken away, Harry would never meet his nanna! The days were flying fast and all i could think of was my mother and my little man, so many questions that will never be answered she was so excited to be a nanna, i already was dreading the future without my mum, but i had my little boy to concentrate on, i kept going for my regular appointments with my midwife, when i told her about my mum she started crying, my blood preasure was sky high so she referred me again to the hospital, but again i was discharged! On december 1st i saw my baby alive on the screen for the last time :(. Christmas day arrived and all i could think was what a rubbish day i cant wait for chistmas 2011 Harry will be 10months and christmas day will be about him YAY. 29th December 2pm midwife appointment (35weeks+1) Harrys heart was monitored everything was perfect accept my blood preasure and protein in the urine +++, however this time my midwife noticed i had serious swelling to my legs, face, ankles and hands so again she referred me to hospital, my blood preasure was taken still very high, she put the heart monitor on me all i remember is silence, i started crying and the midwife took my hand and said 'sometimes babys hide and its hard to detect a heartbeat, i'l just go and get the drum' when she arrived back i was in a even worse state as i just knew inside my baby was gone, his heart had stopped i knew!!!!! She then put the drum on my tummy and again silence! 'Please tell me my babys okay and im worrying over nothing please?' she replyed 'we are going to send you down for a scan' i arrived in the scan room and there was 3 professionals in there, i never had that many await me for, so this just made me relise even more!, the sonographer wouldnt put the wall screen on, but my partner could see 'Harry' he was gone.... my baby's heart had stopped, before the sonographer told me she put her head down and just kept quiet, it was then she said 'Hannah i am so sorry your baby has no heartbeat' i couldnt breathe at this point i didnt even want to breath i wanted her to say she had got it wrong and my little boy was ok.. They took me into a family room where they told me i was going to have to deliver Harry as soon as possible, but all i could think was i need to ring my sister and my auntys i need them here with me and my partner, i dialled my sister and said 'Louise, you need to come the hospital, Harry has died' she couldnt hear properly under my tears, my partner went on to ring his family.
We were taken to the labour ward where i was greeted with midwifes, and woman in labour!! i just wanted to sream.. i could hear babys crying around me i wanted to hold them!I wanted my baby to cry when i give birth even though i know i would never hear his cries!

6pm 29th december 2010 i was given a induction pill, for hours i felt petty little twinges, and all i could think was come on now Harry i need to give you a kiss, i need to see you and tell how much i love you, i just wanted to hold him. (I had to stay in hospital untill Harry was born as my bp was still sky high this is where i was diagnosed with preclampsyia)
30th December 2010.. Nothing happend on this day other than a internal pill x3.
31st December 2010 - This is where i relised i was in labour, my tummy was hurting so much i just couldnt lie down, at around 10pm i rang for the midwife as i was being sick and i couldnt hack the pain any longer, i was given a injection of diarmorphene, and was put on gas and air (amazing stuff)..
The contractions were getting worse and i just felt so unwell and dizzy, i was given more diamorphene throughout the night as i was getting ready to push.
1st janurary 2011 Harry arrived at 12.55pm weighing just 3lb 130z, he was perfect and i mean perfect, tiny little hands and feet, he was born sleeping yet so lovely and so developed, how can such a lovely little boy heart just stop beating? Again a question that will never really have a justified answer!!
I got to spend 7days and 6nights with Harry as the hospital had a cool cot, i created little memories within them days including having his hand and foot prints done, and the family coming to see our beautiful sleeping Angel, we had a blessing for him, and we had a lock of his hair, and professional pictures done, during those 7days and 6nights i cryed so many tears for Harry yet i gave him so many kisses and held him, i even sang to him, some people may think why? Il tell you why because he was still my baby! And i needed as much time as i could with him! Everyday since i have been home i have cryed fo my little man and if i am honest i probably will everyday as i still can't believe i am a mummy to a Angel baby, in which i will never forget ever.
On 24th January 2011
Harry Thomas Joseph White
Was layed to rest.
Sleep tight our beautiful baby boy, Mummy and Daddy love you dearly, and will be with you again one day, untill then you will always be apart of us and i'l never let you go Angel.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

A Beautiful Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God
I want my baby here

He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

One Month on.. (continued)

I wrote a post early hours this morning but its showing up in 'january' oh well..

A month to the date today since my little boy was born sleeping, this is hard.
I'm really starting to feel the grieving process like its just being pushed in my face, ive cried every day but i just feel like its all coming to me at once, again people always saying i'm being strong and they couldnt have dealt with it as well as i have? how can someone see behind a computor screen because behind closed doors is a different storey, i really wish i wasnt here right now, i want to be with my mother and my little boy, Everyone says they are there for me but i want my mum to talk to, my partner wont talk, he acts like it hasnt happend he wouldnt stop crying in hospital but at home he doesnt talk and says he cant, but i need him to i need to feel im not alone here, i cry constantly and its like im crying to a brick wall, so many tears i just want to share with my partner i just wish he would cuddle me, but theres nothing..
I mean our baby has died and i just feel like he isnt there to support me (i know he is and if i pushed him into talking he probs would) I wouldnt have got this far without him, i wouldnt be here now (thats not a attention seeking line) thats how i feel!! Im looking at Harrys photo on the wall he's beautiful just looks asleep, i wish thing were different.
Ive been out a few times but i always want to be in the comfort of my own house i feel like i'm in a world of my own here you see, when i'm out i feel eyes on me, even from people i dont know, im still being ignored by a few people, any one would think i have the flu and they can catch it but its not the flu its called grieving and you cant catch that ffs.