Tuesday, 15 February 2011

I can't do this..

I can't do this anymore, i just want my baby safely in my arms, where i can nurse him and give him plenty of cuddles, i don't want him with anybody else i just want him here with me, he's my baby! I completely and utterly give up i'm not okay and i shall not pretend i am, i'd give anything to have him here with me and doubt other mummys of angels would to..
Im missing my Harry and my mum so much, losing my mother was hard but losing my baby just two months after, does anybody really deserve this? How can there be a god? Arghh.. I want to scream and smash everything up in my house, as i type this i feel my body heating up with anger and tears just running down my face!!
Again more comments of people saying be strong, wtf? how can i? i gave birth to my beautiful baby who was sleeping just 6weeks ago and you want me to be strong? are you mental..
Im sick of faking a smile, i dont even want to smile i just want to lock myself in a room in the dark and never come out.. DO NOT TELL ME TO BE STRONG..
Can anybody seriously mean be strong when they say it? or do they just say it because its what you say? I know i will never say be strong to anybody when they have just give birth to a sleeping baby, because i wouldnt actually expect them to be strong.. Infact i would say dont be strong!


  1. I wish I could say I know exactly how you feel but I know everyone's story is different. I know I wrote on my last comment to stay strong but I know that's not the right word to use. I guess that is what everyone told me also. It has also been just 6 weeks for me also and feel completely lost. I wish I could tell you something anything that would make you feel better but for now I spend everyday just searching for an answer that I'll probably never find as to why did this happen to my baby, what did I do to deserve this. I know I'm sorry probably means nothing to you but I truly am.

  2. I've been thinking about what you wrote, and I think that maybe strength for us is different... Being strong to me is just opening my eyes in the morning and getting out of bed.. there are mornings when I don't even want to do that. Being strong is answering the phone when you don't want to talk to anybody, or finding ways to spend time with my husband when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and shut the world out, him included. By being strong, you don't have to pretend that losing your baby didn't matter it sure as hell does matter, it doesn't mean forget about it and move on with life... it's trying to move on with life while still honoring and remembering our little angels.
    I hate it when people tell me I'm strong, or to 'stay strong'... I don't feel very strong at all. But, I know that I have to carry on, and I'm praying every day for the strength to do that.
    One person wrote something that sticks with me. She said try not to be offended by what people say to you when they're trying to make you feel better... it takes great courage for them to say anything at all. This I find true, because as much as I hate being told to be strong, I hate it even more when people pretend that Kristen didn't happen at all, and they don't even acknowledge our sorrow.
    I'm sending you huge hugs today, and hope for healing in the days and months ahead......

  3. Two lovely comments..

    Becky, i totaly see why you told me be strong you have been there, but when people say it to me and just say it when they dont have a clue how hard it is to be strong it gets to me because i feel like im alone and doing the wrong thing by not being strong but i cant stop my emotions :( and i know your comments are filled with honesty. Thinking of you always from another angel mummy x

    Sherri - I see what you mean about our different outlooks on being strong, in some ways i guess i am strong but in other ways i dont want to be :( Im missing him and i too just want to curl up in a ball especially when i find it hard to talk to my partner from time to time, as we grieve different! But without him i wouldnt even get up in a morning!
    & I guess what your friend said was also true, but i also feel sometimes saying the wrong thing is best not being said atall if that makes sense?
    Many thanks for your lovely comments ladies.
    Sending love xxxxxx

  4. You sweet, sweet girl. Still so young, yet became a mommy to an Angel Baby just as your own mommy left this world so suddenly. The things that MUST go through your mind.
    No one expects you to really be strong, I'm sure. Sometimes we stumble upon peace in our darkest, weakest moments.
    You grieve however you need to grieve, sweet girl. Just remember that no matter what has happened or happens, YOU are still here and there WILL be happy days again.
    You'll see. :)