Tuesday, 1 February 2011

One Month on.. (continued)

I wrote a post early hours this morning but its showing up in 'january' oh well..

A month to the date today since my little boy was born sleeping, this is hard.
I'm really starting to feel the grieving process like its just being pushed in my face, ive cried every day but i just feel like its all coming to me at once, again people always saying i'm being strong and they couldnt have dealt with it as well as i have? how can someone see behind a computor screen because behind closed doors is a different storey, i really wish i wasnt here right now, i want to be with my mother and my little boy, Everyone says they are there for me but i want my mum to talk to, my partner wont talk, he acts like it hasnt happend he wouldnt stop crying in hospital but at home he doesnt talk and says he cant, but i need him to i need to feel im not alone here, i cry constantly and its like im crying to a brick wall, so many tears i just want to share with my partner i just wish he would cuddle me, but theres nothing..
I mean our baby has died and i just feel like he isnt there to support me (i know he is and if i pushed him into talking he probs would) I wouldnt have got this far without him, i wouldnt be here now (thats not a attention seeking line) thats how i feel!! Im looking at Harrys photo on the wall he's beautiful just looks asleep, i wish thing were different.
Ive been out a few times but i always want to be in the comfort of my own house i feel like i'm in a world of my own here you see, when i'm out i feel eyes on me, even from people i dont know, im still being ignored by a few people, any one would think i have the flu and they can catch it but its not the flu its called grieving and you cant catch that ffs.


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those words don't really help or change anything. But know that I do understand some of what you're going through. We lost our little girl on November 19th. Remember that everyone grieves differently, my husband cried harder when our dog died, then he has over Kristen.. But I know that he is grieving too. He wasn't there to hold her when she died, he was stuck out on a rig offshore, I think not having the closure I did makes it different for him, not quite as real..... But I know that he feels the loss too. And he hates seeing me so sad. And maybe it'll take more time for your boyfriend to let his feelings out into the open. Be patient with him, be compassionate towards him. Let this make you stronger as a couple.
    And I know what you mean about going out of the house... I avoid going out lots of the time.

  2. I also wanted to share this poem with you that I have seen on a couple of other blogs. My husband really liked it...

    It must be very difficult
    To be a man in grief,
    Since "men don't cry"
    and "men are strong"
    No tears can bring relief.

    It must be very difficult
    To stand up to the test,
    And field the calls and visitors
    So she can get some rest.

    They always ask if she's all right
    And what she's going through.
    But seldom take your hand and ask,
    "My friend, but how are you?"

    You hear her crying in the night
    And think your heart will break.
    You dry her tears and comfort her,
    But "stay strong" for her sake.
    She wanted so to bring new life,
    And to fill his heart with joy.
    But she needs to know you’re love is real,
    And that you’re still her boy.

    It must be very difficult
    To start each day anew.
    And try to be so very brave -
    But you lost your baby too