Sunday, 16 January 2011


Ive already wrote a post today but sod it.
I feel so lonely right now and ever so hurt, i just want to be with my mum and baby, my whole body just wants to give up. Why do i deserve this? what have i done so wrong :(
Im hurting so much and i dont have a clue how to cope with it or even block these awful thoughts out of my head, my poor baby has gone and theres nothing i can do, my lovely mother also gone! Im 19years old i still need her more than anything and people say your being so strong but how do they know? can they not see half of this is a act, i just want to scream and be locked in a room so i can shout all my anger out, because this is what it all boils down to pure and simple anger! Ive had my life changed forever and for what reason? Ive never hurt anybody, and neither would i, i deserve to be happy dont i? no of course not because im me and its clear i dont.
If i could just have ten minutes with my mum just for a explanation on why she had to leave this earth? Theres no answer to that though is there? everybodys reply including mine is life is just cruel but why should i accept that? surely there must be a reason for taking my mothers life 8weeks ago and taking my beautiful Harry just 2weeks ago yesterday? well i want a fucking reason, i shouldnt swear i know i shouldnt but i cant control how i feel right now i honestly feel so much hatred and anger & i cant stop it!
Im missing out on so much, i want to be having cuddles with my little boy and hearing him cry for me or a feed. I want all those things you hear 'tired' mums moan about because trust me id never moan about those things id just be happy my baby is happy and well with his mummy and daddy, i keep seeing his little face in my head.. blimey he was gorgeous! I miss him so much i miss him kicking me i miss him sending my tummy into funny shapes, i hated the day i left him at hospital because i just wanted to turn back round and go back in and cradle him, do i really deserve this? does anybody for that matter?
how can stillbirth not be classed as common? because its not a 100 babies dieing each day from stillbirth its not common? that common enough for me! what has this world come to these days when there isnt enough awareness? im so angry at everything what hurts more than anything that i have no one to blame, so i know thats why i try and blame my self.
Im so sorry i let you down Harry that my body and i couldnt protect you i hope one day you forgive me and we meet again for much happier times. I Love You.


  1. Losing a child is so much more common than anyone thinks. I remember thinking I was alone when my children died... It was the network of blogs in the ALI community that saved me. I dont know what I would have done without those moms who came together and showed me that I wasnt alone... That I would survive, even through the pain.

    Thinking of you...

  2. Theres so much support out there from mums that have been through this, but im hurting right now, i just dont know how to cope with my emotions anymore, when i think i'm 'okay' deep down im not, ive cryed every single day.
    This world is nothing but cruel.